Conscious BDSM, Dominance and Submission, setting a safe container
The essence of conscious BDSM is It is all about listening, as it is the that listening challenges the stereotypes perceptions of what the different roles mean in dominance and submission. Midori who is a well known practitioner and author of a few books has this quote, which I love. ‘We use the conventions of roles to remove the masks of the daily roles we have allowed ourselves to become’.
To get in to the workings of a BDSM scene my first rule of this play is do not try to use your partner or other party for any sort of dynamic play without their knowledge. The second rule is do not enter into consensual non-consensual dynamic with anyone until you have built a relationship professional or other with this person and built up trust. I am often asked for consensual non-consensual play by people I have not met and I simply not willing to put myself in a position of offering this without getting to really know the person first usually over a number of years. I will only enter into consensual non consent when there is a safe container in place that has been built up over a period of time and by this I do mean many sessions over many years and I have built a professional relationship with the person.
On the topic of trust do not play with anyone where you feel any level of conversation is off limits. There may also be all sorts of activities that are off limits but if you feel you are unable to talk about whatever is real for you in terms of your desires and fantasies then don’t enter into play with this person. I would advise not playing in the realms of conscious BDSM until you have unpacked what your desires and fantasies are fully as until you can communicate these openly with your play partner there will always be an essence of holding back, hiding and not being true to yourself. I recognise that this can be very difficult for some people and I am more than happy to work with you to discover what these are but it does involve a commitment from you to do the work not me just making some suggestions. I have many tools and exercises we can work through for them that wish to, to unpack their hidden desires and fantasies and bring them in to a safe place to play out.
Listen your guts, really tune into your intuition. In my experience if someone hears an invitation into BDSM they often think yes that sounds hot, I will check this out but sadly a lot of people lack the deeper understanding of the responsibilities of the role they will be taking on and the power of where a BDSM scene can take you. So really listen to your instincts as BDSM is this really edgy place where play has the capacity to push boundaries BDSM can challenge concepts at self and look at power and surrender on a really deep level. It can take you deep into the shadows of yourself, so again if your instinct is telling you there are red flags then listen to that.
There is no hierarchal check list or expectations of what a sub should allow or should aspire to. If anyone in any top or dom position is trying to assert or play it off that there is some kind expectation or disappointment, or here is where you are trying to get to with your tolerance level it’s a firm no. Always let the level of play be set by the person taking on the sub role and don’t fall under pressure from the dom. I have many a story where the dom has pushed a sub beyond their no to catostrophic effect that can be mentally and physically damaging. As a I hold the dominant position it is my responsibility to the sub to recognise this and honour the will of the sub. The level of play and requests must come from what the sub is ready for and if anyone is trying to adhere to some superficial or totally in personal structure then it’s completely un-necessary and not called for.
You need to do your own work first know how to listen your body at the very least know when your body says a yes and more importantly know when your body says no. If you are unclear on that there are plenty practices I can take you through to learn to listen and trust your body responses and communicate your yes and no. It’s amazing how many people I come across that struggle with this. As children we were told what we were feeling and the adult knew best this is a practice about reclaiming the adult self and learning to tune into your body again. If you are taking on the role of the sub it is not about anybody else’s goal, don’t try to play it cool. People will fall into a trap of oh I just wanted to not disappoint or I wanted to show how experienced I was or I wanted to be cool.. Let go of them thoughts and notice if these thoughts start coming into your head be wiling to call it out. I find calling it out a really powerful and empowering, it does not mean you have to act on it, often just saying it is enough. If you start to feel yourself have a story come into your head of that’s not appropriate, I want to look more advanced than that if you just say it out loud and put it on the table it changes everything. To be able to do this is and advanced skill. Quite often when I am in a BDSM scene and I have a story come into my head of what I want to do to the sub and I know I am not allowed to do it because its outside the realms of consent I will just call it out and then reassure the sub that I am not going to do it. By doing this we are able to bring the thoughts into conscious awareness and not supressing anything. To be able to name this is what’s going on for me is an amazing gift for your partner.
Consent know that your no is welcome if a dom is resisting a no or have given any clues that there expectations on you or that your no is not welcome then that is a hard no don’t go there. That’s not creating a safe space of trust.
Moving on to creating a safe container for BDSM play. A container can be very specific in addressing just the basic things like time, how long are we going to be in these roles? Just by having this in place can give so much permission to the sub conscious, of ok you are going have 5 minutes to rant and be a complete bitch. Or in a scene we are going to be in these roles for the next two hours or combined with the physical we are going to be in these dynamics while we are in this room. Setting the time and space container is very important to give clear guideline where we take on the agreed roles and where we drop them. I have often had subs try to push this container and demand I take complete ownership of them even outside the session, something I refuse to do, as this is when boundaries get crossed and things become leaky and non-consensual. Last year I had a sub that tried to push this without my knowledge or any prior agreement, needless to say this person was no longer welcome to session with me. Just as a dom has a choice so too does a sub don’t be afraid to walk away from whatever does not feel right. This does two things its hold integrity of the person but it also frees up space for what does feel right.
Creating agreements, discussing things like hard boundaries and soft boundaries. You may not know going into a scene exactly what will arise so you may have really clear hard boundaries where you may say you don’t want anal play for example, that’s off the table and that is easy enough. You may have an area on your body that you don’t want me to touch for example the throat. I will know that in order to build trust then I don’t touch the throat or do anal play or cross any hard boundaries. I stick to this as the last thing I want to do is put a sub into a place of broken trust that is not what holding the safe consensual space is about. Because you are very rarely aware of what may arise when you get into BDSM play it’s really important to have a safe word. A safe word if something that either dom or sub can use and there is an agreement that that will be adhered to. There is also the green, yellow and red system which I quite like also. The yellow can give I am getting close to my edge, lets slow down and play here without stopping play while the red it a stop play and there is no pushing on this. I found its useful when playing with a new partner to play a bit with their edges where I see if I can find your yellow or red just to know that it is available and also to know that it is there and can be communicated.
A safe word needs to be something that is just going to pop out like, no stop or ouch so take the terms like that off the table and use a term that is easily remembered but not going to pop out. The one I use is armadillo as there is no way this would just pop out during play. This gives the sub space to make all the sounds like no, stop, ouch and be fully in their surrender with noise without shutting down the scene. However when I hear the word armadillo or red or whatever the subs safe word is, then that’s the signal to stop, this means there can be no confusion. Consent can be a very fine line so for example the sub could give consent for me to bite them but not consent to break the skin so there could be a condition attached which needs to be adhered to.
When you have the trust there you have a knowing that you can go into play safely and fully release yourself in to the BDSM scene in full awareness that your trust will be honoured and you are being held in a safe container where all of you is welcome and you are able to say red and it’s going to be listened to. This is such an important piece and fundamental to safe play. The submissive or the bottom has the control the whole time and that is a very important point. It is the dominants or tops responsibility to fully listen and honour the subs or bottoms safe word and never to push it beyond where the submissive or bottom feels to go.
Asking questions about how much experience each party has had is really helpful, what may happen if things become too intense for you? I do get that some people may not know so in this case its best to instruct the sub to keep making sounds. If I notice they have frozen up, dissociated or stopped I will remind them to make a sound or breathe so it reminds the sub to have a check in. It also does not shift the scene dynamic by constantly asking the sub if they are ok. As a dominant it’s important to be able to trust the submissive and trusting that they are going to speak up for themselves. So when taking on the role of the submissive it’s important to understand that the trust flows both ways and while you trust me to stop when you safe word or say red, I too have to trust that you will safe word or say red if it gets too much.
As a dominant I am constantly monitoring the physiology of my partner, being the top or the dom is a commitment to holding the space. I am noticing what is happening to the sub at all times and rarely take my eyes of the sub, combine this with knowledge of how the body responds an central nervous system level to what I am doing in terms of BDSM play is really important to being fully in tune with the sub. Its not just the act of whacking someone for fun it goes a lot deeper than that. I am holding the container and holding the potential of the other persons vulnerability and I fully recognise and honour this. If you are steeping into the role of the dom, you are signing up for that responsibility, it means you are noticing your partner and being in full presence with your sub.
As dominant it also about noticing if your ego is puling you into unconsciousness and noticing that if the scene is becoming so hot it’s no longer about the sub and their wishes and your ego has taken over and its becomes about the needs of the dom.. This is where things get messy, but as dom you need to take responsibility for this as the scene is always about the sub. On occasions when I have subbed and this has happened to me I have called it out and it is really important to be able to do that, this is the sole reason I don’t sub professionally as it could never be truly about my needs and my wants. This will break trust really fast if you are topping or doming someone and consciously blacking out and getting so swept in the moment it’s all about you.
The magic alchemy of interacting with another person in a BDSM scene is about making sure it’s all about the sub all of the time. This is the reason also I will only ever play with one sub at any one time. The only way I will bring another person in is if the other person takes on a dominant or holding and supporting role and that can be a very powerful way to play out a scene. However I will only do this with people I know who have experience and knowledge of BDSM and the underpinning concepts.
Moving on to aftercare. As part of holding safe space it is important to not just drop someone as soon as scene is over its always good to leave space for aftercare. Before the scene it’s always good to talk about what will feel good afterwards. For some people its receiving a message to check in a few days later, or others it may be cup of tea, a cuddle, a blanket. Make sure that aftercare is present, just offering attention and care whether it comes in the form of a fuzzy blanket, a glass of water a piece of chocolate, a cuddle, a chat whatever it may be. It’s really important in a BDSM scene to recognise that there is a physical and energetic engagement so it’s also important to make sure there is no sudden physical and energetic disengagement also. It’s important to honour the energy is still here and honour what was shared between us. Often the top or dom will need after care also as part of holding the container if you are signing up for the top or dom role the immediate focus is to care for the submissive. if you need aftercare as the top get it after the scene has finished but never from your sub. It’s all about holding the respectfulness for the space that has been created that allows such consensual boundary pushing of the internal and external parts of ourselves.
Being in full presence is another important part of BDSM play. Being able to offer actual eye contact and presence, presence of touch, and offering connection like breathing together can be hugely helpful. On the subject of subtle domination just looking someone in the eye and saying breath with me can be profoundly powerful. Instructing my play mate to turn on their sense and describe what they feel and what they see is a great tool to bring someone very quickly back into their body and is also a very subtle domination. Describe the sensation to me is another way of finding that connection between dom and sub.
Domination does not need to be big fireworks wielding toys, tieing someone up and pushing someone into more sensation then they have ever had in their life it can be very subtle and quite often in the subtleness is where I find the magic.
Coming down to the question of what is this in service to. It’s really important that the intention is acknowledged. By being aware of the gift of the offering coming from a heart space and connected to my energy and fully aware of the bigger invitation that as dominant I am essentially in service to the sub of looking at my sub and seeing what do they need right now. What do they need to be more in their body to be more in presence. This is a really important piece and it comes to me working with my intuition and having the ability to tun into my own intuition.
Shifting the whole idea from ego to awakening shifting the focus from what can I get out of this scene to how can we play this scene together, what can I do for my partner really is the essence of BDSM and the bigger picture of bringing awareness and consciousness to play.
To follow on from these blogs I am being gifted a piece of writing about one persons journey with Conscious BDSM in their words which will hopefully demonstrate the transformative power of BDSM and also what can be gained by taking the concepts and doing your own wok with it. Life changing and affirmative stuff I look forward to sharing this in the next few weeks.
Kristina J - Huddersfield escort, sensual seductress and explore of the erotic self.
