Conscious BDSM the power it has - written by a special visitor.

This blog has been written by on of my lovely visitors and someone I have been privileged to work with over the last 12 months. It demonstrates the real power of BDSM beyond the sexual gratification and makes the point that when playing with someone in a scene we can be playing with peoples lives. It emphasises the importance of bringing consciousness to BDSM scenes and the capacity to transform a person and bring greater awareness. While I accept that this is not for everyone to get the opportunity to work at such level using the principals and concepts of BDSM and my knowledge and experience for me is always a fabulous opportunity. I urge you to read this blog with compassion and respect for someone who has the courage to speak their truth and walk their true path. If it brings up any awkward feeling in yourself I urge you to notice them without judgement. If this blog touches just one person then it serves it purpose. I have full permission to share this which I am deeply grateful for.

8 years ago I broke, after a life time of hiding my feelings and bottling everything up, of feeling that there was no one to talk to who would understand, what I was trying to say, after hating myself for all of my life, after blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong and living in fear, I broke I no longer had the strength to hold my demons at bay

I had stopped caring both about myself and living. I just wanted to die, but for me that wasn’t enough, I had to first destroy myself mentally, before I could do it physically so that’s what I set out to do. Have you ever tried to do that? It takes some doing, but I guess I managed, as the last parts of me went under I knew I needed help but didn’t know where to get the help I needed and then even wanting help went away as I went further and further down a very dark path that intensified my self-hatred and loathing.

I had been powerless all my early life, could never say no, always seeking approval to justify my worth. Now I had recreated that feeling. Hiding behind anger and hate. Using the anger to give me the strength to say no. when you grow up like that it leaves scars marks and habits that don’t change, unless you really want them to. I didn’t I was so used to living like that I could not see a way back. I just went from day to day. I’d finally got to the point where I had just about destroyed anything that I saw as worthwhile in myself. from a suicide attempt at 10 years old my path had been set on self, destruction. Now finally I was achieving it, on the flip side of the coin I was actually successful in my life I had a good job I passed my degree in 2 years, I had friends who cared, a good home, and all I wanted was to throw it all away.

Eventually when I had sunk as low as I could go, fate stepped in, and I ended up on a course to deal with my behaviour which lasted 13 weeks, being there was an eye opener but ultimately it failed, I awoke just enough to, to want more help but that was all, I still wanted to die in fact going into and out of a depression just before you reach the absolute bottom, is the two most dangerous points and I lived on one of those points, I picked my place I knew how I was gong to do it.

By this point I had started counselling we looked at my childhood we talked about my parents, what led me to the point I had got to, this went on for 6 months or so then we together decided I was ok, I wasn’t I was lying, nothing really had changed, I just learnt to mask it better than I had ever done before,

If your wondering how that all leads to BDSM and what that meant to me, I shall try and explain

BDSM Torture or Therapy

If like me all you have ever experienced about BDSM is smutty jokes really bad porn, where some guy gets beaten senseless while chained up , and just about every situation were some variant of that happens, when you meet the real deal your in for one hell of a shock. But that was exactly what I was looking for, I wanted to be hurt, beaten and humiliated, made to feel like I wasn’t worth anything,

So off I set to find somebody who I figured would do that without caring about the damage, and there are lots out there like that. Who will just punish you, hurt you without caring. So I searched for one and sometimes just sometimes life is good to you, I picked Kristina, made initial contact spoke over the phone and off I went.

Remember I said I wanted to be hurt and punished, I am also one of the most stubborn people you could ever meet, I refuse to be beaten, I wont scream its macho bull but its there and that’s the attitude I turned up with. I thought the less noise I made the less reaction I made the harder Kristina would hit me. Boy was I wrong, in Kristinas blog she mentions zoning out, it’s a kind of state where you become less aware of what’s happening it’s also in my case a self defense mechanism. And I can turn it on at will. Didn’t work though I can remember a voice saying breath, repeatedly, then asking me where I went, well more telling me than asking, then patiently explaining the dangers of what I had just done.

Some would have left me there Kristina didn’t, she brought me back and then sized me up in no uncertain terms, she had picked up on what I was and what I wanted, and all though we carried on playing not once did she go beyond a certain point, to say I didn’t get what I was looking for is true, to say I got what I needed is far more true. You see I actually had no limits at that point, and its at this place where you can really get hurt which is what I wanted I didn’t want caring for or cuddling I wanted brutality, I didn’t get it. After we had finished we spoke small talk the usual kind of stuff, I have always been a sucker for strong ladies and make no mistake Kristina is probably the strongest woman I have ever met.

Sometimes just one word or action can set you on a new direction, i had had several given to me, I wasn’t aware that I had given any indication of what makes me tick but I must have done as these words were driven straight in to that part of me.

So off I went after making another appointment to meet. I figured that I would get hurt lots and that’s I what I thought I wanted. Questions are a good way to get someone to open up making it into a game with consequences is even better, now I have a really smart mouth and I use it lots and I enjoy using it and everytime I did I got what I wanted, so I did it more, guess what Kristina stopped.

There is a responsibility to be both truthful with your dominant and with yourself that’s something I have learned, from a very good teacher.

Very gradually as we met and talked yes we did talk lots Kristina started to explain the concepts of what she does and also what she believes in, I had read her web site and thought, probably the same thing most people think. I was wrong its actually very true, if you really want to know ask her, if you just want to enjoy kinky fun then just enjoy it.

I learnt an awful lot about polarity, shadow work, frozen child, and what that all meant to me, not as an object but as a damaged human being. I was given reading material to study exercises to carry out, while studying and learning we carried on playing but now the rules had changed as I grew better at understanding who and what I was and what I actually needed, our play and time changed, in very subtle ways but change it did.

Not only had I found a dominant who I respected, I had found one who managed to reach the small boy inside of me, who was still scared and crying who reached into the hate and shame and rage of my shadow, and brought me back.

Now I have learnt to bring the shattered parts of myself to a new whole, and in doing so I have stopped hiding behind things, my smart mouth my size and strength I am extremely physically strong,

I have learnt to be truthful with myself, about who I am , I am no longer ashamed of my desires they are after all part of me. The last time I visited Kristina I promised her I would come just as myself no smart mouth, no hiding, something I would have not been able to do when I first saw her. I did go a myself I am still growing now and changing, my journey hasn’t finished its just started I have been fortunate to share it with Kristina.

Finding someone who believes in what they do with compassion empathy and a feeling of responsibility is hard, find someone one who will give of their energy and emotions is harder, a true dominant does just that, it’s a symbiotic relationship where the power is not where you might expect

BDSM Torture or Therapy, for me it was and is therapy I am empowered, positive and my life has changed, my view of myself has changed. It’s only in giving up of our illusions that we are actually set free to be the person we were always ment to be.

To get power you first have to be prepared to give it all up, to place your trust in someone else I did and now I am so much better.

BDSM to Hurt or Heal?

Guess what it heals…

If anyone has any questions not his as always I am always open to receiving them and answering them honestly, this work has been an absolute privilege and honour to do and it has been an houour to be part of this gentlemans journey.