My journey in and out of lockdown
A few thoughts and muses about my journey in and out of lock down
Returning from India in March this year 8 days after I left after cutting my trip short by two weeks due to the rising pandemic of Covid 19. Little was I aware of how different the world would look in the coming few weeks. I was very lucky to get out of India the last few days of my trip I was not allowed to leave the hotel and presented with a document from the hotel management which was a government directive which made it very clear that it would be difficult to continue my trip. That evening I had growing concerns for my safety and welfare and having been in India when things had gone wrong made the decision not to travel from Kerala to Goa but to get the next flight home. Within 24 hours I was homeward bound and with a sense that things were going to be very different.
Arriving home, a week before lock down I started to make plans to take the rest of the time off and then return to work as planned. However, what I was noticing was appointment after appointment was being cancelled understandably and it soon became very clear that some time out would be needed. I remember still at this point making plans and organising my schedule taking control of my life as I always do and planning my way through the nightmare that was evolving. I remember watching the government speech about social distancing slowly it began to dawn, my plans were about to go out the window. As someone who has plans made years in advance, flights booked, training booked, appointments booked to find all of a sudden, my diary which was full and structured for a year was suddenly empty. I have never experienced a sense of nothing ness before no plans and nothing to aim for, I started to panic what was going to happen.
With the news coming of a lockdown it became apparent that this was going to be a long-term thing. It’s almost like life as I knew it was being ripped up, how I live and work deeply affected and all of a sudden a sense of panic set in. Some of the first few nights going into this I woke in the middle of the night with panic, uncertainty and disbelief that this was happening. Turning inwards and facing the darkness and the insecurities like never before, facing the uncertainty of the unknown just like everyone else in the world was doing. The comfort I took and the thing that made a difference is that it was not just me this was happening to it was everyone.
Almost being brought to my knees in a grinding sudden stop of not being able to do the very thing that I love and engage with people, in touch and intimacy, not even a cuddle was allowed. The very thing that is the lifeblood of what I do all of sudden not allowed as the new term of social distancing began to hit home. The realisation that this may be the opportunity for the world to begin to wake up to the damage we are doing to it and the damage we are doing to ourselves hitting home. This is something I have asked for, for years but not quite in this way a collective consciousness and global unity and also a waking up to the consumer driven society we all live in of which I too am guilty of. All of sudden the things that were important stopped being important and the things that should be important became important. Family, connections, people all stripped away, it became apparent that this is a time for learning for journeying deep into myself to see what is there.
All of a sudden, I realised this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to develop myself to really turning to look at myself as I face the darkness of the unknown. It became very aware to me that standing on the brink of the unknown was an opportunity to develop and take some time for learning. With nothing to distract me from my own emotions and self doubts it became easier to see what was going on. Having the courage to turn and face my inner thoughts and fears, my relationship with the unknown and uncertainty and my inner critic who is as viscous as they come and bring some more of my darkness into the light. Noticing how I felt when I don’t have things planned out, how I felt when insecurity hit and noticing all the things I do as a way of coping and masking. Noticing with me what is really going on and taking myself with courage to a place where I have to face my own demons my own belief that I am not good enough and coming to realise that that is not me it’s just the inner critic that resides in us all being allowed to run the show. Facing the pain of the unknown and instead of running away or trying to push it away actually welcoming it and taking the steps to sit in the unknown and uncertainty and see what happens. It really was a lesson in letting life happen, letting it be rather than trying to drive and control every aspect of my life. Noticing what drives me and how fear is one of my motivators, it I don’t do A then B will happen and working to allow fear to be without the need to take action on it. Turning towards my uncertainties and insecurities and meeting them head on after all this is a time for learning for reflection as we have been given the luxury of time to do this, so my thoughts were to use the time wisely.
The world sinking deeper into the darkness and the uncertainty and I am just one person of many who are all on the same journey. I recognised my privileges of been able to self isolate safely and having access to food, water, a roof over my head and heating and being thank full that my basic needs were being more than met. My thoughts were going to those not so lucky as I am, those who do not have a safe place to be and I felt both saddened and angered by this, Those that could not self isolate for whatever reason. It made me realise how privileged I am and within that privilege there is a sense of gratitude but also shame, so just noticing this and allowing these feelings to come up was all part of the journey for me.
I came to realise over time that the essence of what I do and who I am is that I am a seeker, seeking the adventure and experience over anything else and this has been the very essence of what drives me. Seeking the knowledge and fascinated by the esoteric concepts of ancient wisdom and energetic practices. As a seeker I seek always to further my knowledge to understand more about non ordinary reality. I come to realise that I have travelled the world on my quest to seek out adventure, experience and knowledge and how grateful I am for this. Through all my learning I have come to realise that the real journey only comes about when I stop seeking outside myself and turn my attention inwards to look deep within me I begin to see my own magic. As I turn to face my demons and the things that hold me back I realise that I am the master of my own destiny and it’s up to me to have the courage to carve out my own path in life and follow my dreams, desires and heart to the full.
Coming out of lockdown with a sense that I have being through a process and I am more ready than I was ever before to move forward and live the life I choose to live, how I choose to live. To stop listening to my inner critic and realise that it’s me who runs the show and my own self-doubt has no place in stopping me achieving the things that I want. I am so much stronger than the part of me that says I am not good enough, or wants to compare me to others. I am me and the best part about been me is that I am unique, individual and determined to be the person I choose to be and if I can help others along the way then even better as there is nothing I love more than sharing my skills, knowledge and wisdom with those that care to listen.
So turning from the darkness back into the light and with an understanding that what I have experienced really is a once in a lifetime opportunity I feel I am so ready for the next chapter of my journey and I am excited to see what it holds…
Kristina J - Huddersfield Escort