Would I sub to the right person.
Would I sub to the right person.
To answer a question I got asked last week.
You describe yourself as dominant but could you be submissive with the right person? Are sub, Dom(me) or switch labels arbitrary anyway.
Firstly thank you for a great question and one many people have probably thought.
I have always said that in order to be a good at domination you need to understand what the sensations feel like. How can you give sensations of which you know nothing about receiving? Although everyone is different and feels things differently as a top I feel it is still important to fully understand what is going on with the bottom.
So I the question do I sub the answer is yes usually in workshops and with people in my private life that have the same level of training I have or whom I have complete trust in. One thing I am very clear on is I would never sub for someone elses pleasure, if I sub it’s for my pleasure and I need to be sure the top is giving me what I want not taking from me.
Let me give you an example and this is probably topping from the bottom. One of my ways of dealing with stress or emotional states is to ask a very good friend of mine to flog my back to release the tension this can end up in a cathartic release. For me it deals with the issues there rather then letting them manifest into something they are not. Also flogging is more than likely to create an energetic response in my body so it is important that whoever is giving the flogging has an understanding of energy especially as I will use my energy to pull them. For anyone who understands energy play then you will know what I mean by this.
As a top I will also get my needs met by the bottom and although this could look like I am being submissive I am instructing the bottom to fulfil my needs what ever they may be. Maybe running their nails all over me, maybe something more intimate depending on how I am feeling that day. This is me taking what I want from the bottom, i.e they allow me to take from them. Where as when I sub my requirement is that the top gives to me and I receive not take from me and I allow, It’s two different intentions around play.
The other thing I am insistent on is that if I am not happy in any way I will stop play and have no hesitancy doing this, which is one of the reasons I don’t sub in my professional life as this does not quite work. It’s really important for me to totally trust the top otherwise I will never relax into the surrender. One more thing also I won’t sub to anyone who does has not had extensive experience of subbing themselves as I really believe that you learn from your experience and this is very important for me. I need to know that the person who is being the top is able to hold space for me without their feelings and emotions getting in the way and they have full self control.
Do I think sub or dom(me) or switch labels are arbitrary any way?
I feel that a person has a right to choose if they are sub, dome or switch it is a personal preference based on personality, genetics, past history ,and what feels right to someone. I feel it is unjust for dominants to expect people to submit to them because they have slapped a random label on themselves. I have seen and heard plenty of stories about this that do not honour individuals for who they are and where they are at in any given moment. So while people may be submissive I would class not them as my submissive outside of session or outside agreed boundaries. I have people that call my ‘Mistress’, outside session and in general conversation and that is ok that is their choice not my insistence. It really is about personal choice of meeting people where they are at rather than trying to enforce my will on others. I have no interest in making someone submit who is not into that because I would be playing outside boundaries and consent which then becomes violation and I do not see the point of giving someone something that does not work for them.
I hope this answers the questions and thank you for taking the time to ask.
Kisses Kristina J xx
