I have used the term Tantric Domina on my website a number of times and over the last few weeks I have been asked what it is and what does it mean.
The BDSM style that I practice is not your traditional BDSM it is a mix of tantric practices and BDSM concepts and what is the connection between tantra and BDSM? I just want to make relevance I am talking about modern tantra in this blog, I am also taking about taking ancient wisdoms and applying them to modern day practices.
To answer this, it starts with creating a safe space where you can relax be seen and held and fully let go. The main focus is on consent and agreements which is one of the main teachings of modern day tantra. It looks at pleasure as a birth right, there is eye gazing and eye contact to connect in the moment. Tantric domina combines pleasure, sweetness, softness with pain and power exchange and weaves the body, mind and spirit together. Just like Tantra BDSM can take you to deep place of contemplation just like Tantra does and allows you to say yes to all the hidden parts of yourself.
I really believe that BDSM is at its best when it is done in a tantric way. Instead of coming form an external perspective of a flogger or a rope it starts from within and connecting to each other and yourself before the traditional tools of BDSM. Just like tantra the play is in an extended energy system. One of the teachings of tantra is not to get stuck in your genitals but to look at yourself as a fully functioning being, bring your whole being into your sex because your sex contains all of you. This principal is I take and apply to all my sessions not just BDSM based sessions. So to explore BDSM fully it is at its best, in my opinion where there is a full perspective of yourself and the other person or people in a scene. It is when BDSM is explored with compassionate curiosity and an open mind to exploring all that is. Most importantly the essence of tantra is permission and the essence of BDSM is permission.
For me to hold the space for my play partner or to fall into their submissive desires I have to know that I am ready to hold one hundred percent responsivity for his or her needs. To be in constant consent and to know and communicate to them that they can stop the scene at any time. This is so important I will say it again - To know and communicate to my play partner that they can stop the scene at any time. There is so much misconception that when you are in a scene you cannot stop it if you don’t like it, this is not the essence of tantric domina the essence is to be in constant consent.
So the rules around this is when we negotiate boundaries at the start of a session I will not let you change a no to yes. So for example if I ask would you like anal play and I get a definite no and half way into the scene you decide you would like anal play then I am not able to give it as once sexual arousal takes over we lose our full cognitive ability to make clear decisions. This is why pre play negotiations are so important. You are also encouraged throughout the scene to say if something is not working for you, do not worry I won’t take offence in fact I am more likely to take offence if you don’t say.
For conscious play it requires both parties to show up fully in a scene as the scene will not work without your full presence. Just coming back to consent as it is so important consent is a full yes, to be in a full yes you have to fully understand you no. If your yes is a yes because it is trying to please me it is not a full yes. In order for play to be safe I need to be able to trust your yes is your yes and not just a desire to please me. I have shared this link with a number of people over lock down to the wheel of consent by Betty Martin, she is one of my trainers and of all the training I have done this is the one that I really do believe made the most difference and also showed me how to be totally safe. It’s the one training I recommend to anyone engaging in any kind of sexual activity with another person so that’s just about everyone.
Betty Martins Wheel of Consent
Back to the subject.. Within the realms of tantric domina play nothing goes on except two people giving each other what they want and giving your partner whatever gets them off within the boundaries of consent. It’s clear and very clean with no margin for overstepping the mark and moving from consensual play to violations. Hence the importance to give yourself permission to speak you truth and the use of safe words to stop yourself being violated and moving from play into the victim. I have heard many stories in the wold of BDSM where play has gone too far and someone has been abused and violated, one recent case the violation was so bad that the person responsible ended up in jail. In all sessions the submissive has permission to speak up anything that is going on for them so to avoid slipping back into the familiar place of non consensual play.
Kristina J - Huddersfield Escort, sensual seductress, Tantric Domina and rotic Explorer.