I feel to give an insight into why I undertook the training in the first the place. I had been an escort of a number of years and increasingly I was seeing men coming with sexual challenges they were facing. I had previously looked at the sexological body work course and thought what do I need to do that for? How wrong was I it is one of the most important trainings I have done to date as it really gave me an overview of what was happening from a somatic view point which changed my understanding and widened my knowledge. I want to say that I don’t practice sexological body work under this umbrella but I am willing to share my knowledge.
As a escort I came to realise quite quickly that really are the front line of sex work. I sometime refer to it as being the paramedics of sex work. I was finding time and time again that I was being faced with things I could not give full answers for and so I wanted to expand my knowledge and also be able to add some real value to what I can offer so hence I invested in the training. The reason I am putting this here is the majority of this blog is based on that learning and if anyone wants further information or links to resources on what I share in this blog do let me know.
I am going to write this blog which is focused on when you get aroused and cannot reach orgasm and touches on erectile dysfunction. I will try and highlight some of the reasons why these challenges arise and you the reader may have other things you may like to add in and as always, I welcome your input. The majority of the answers are based in science and sex geekery which I am going to try not to go too deep in to but I will have to go some way there to even begin covering these subjects.
Firstly, let’s look at the times you are erect and you are right on the edge and just con not get to completion, does anyone know this feeling at all? I feel the first place to start is to look at what happens in the body when orgasm is reached. The origins of this are in the nervous system the thing that controls every function in your body, some functions within our nervous system we have no control and others we have control over. Like the beating of our heart we have no control it is autonomic while breathing we have control to choose our breath and this can be both autonomic and intentional.
The nervous system feeds messages to and from the brain to the body and to our genitals. Split into two parts the fight and flight response and the rest and digest sides these sides really govern our sexual arousal and ability to connect with others as well as our response to anxiety, fear and uncertainty.
When we meet someone for the first time it is our nervous system responses that meet first in lightning fast speed the read the nervous system response of the other person and give you almost instant information if you like this person or not. Have you ever met someone and just clicked with them without knowing why almost instantly? I am sure most of you will be able to recall a time this has happened. The area in the brain that regulates the emotions and reactions processes four times faster than the area of our brain that is responsible for our cognitive thoughts. When our flight and fight response system is slightly aroused this is when sexual arousal occurs. A slight arousal in the fight and flight response brings a sense of aliveness and it is this feeling that is linked to pleasure through the unknown such as BDSM, trying something new, tie and tease and many others ways to explore sexuality. However, the fight and flight response has to be relaxed enough so the blood flow can go to the genital area in order to create sexual arousal. If we have a contraction in the nervous system by any specific event our fight and flight response in our bodies increase as we become more alert and the blood distribution goes into the muscles being pulled away from our inner organs and genitals and this is where our first challenge arises with numbness or erectile dysfunction. For those that are hyper alert which means the watchtower area of the brain is on alert all the time they may struggle to be in such a deep relaxed place where they are fully in the present moment relaxed and the blood goes where it is supposed to go.
So to put that into a working example when you are in a sexual encounter especially in a place that is unfamiliar to you it is inevitable that your watchtower of the brain will be more alert than usual. This is why it is so important that you are placed at ease and helped relax into the experience in order to calm down the fight and flight response system in your body and relax into the enjoyment of sexual arousal. This comes back to a previous blog where I talk about in order to be sexually aroused you need to feel psychologically safe this is the explanation behind that statement. If we were to go into our date and you did not feel safe enough to relax then the chances of reaching sexual peaks are doubtful. This is where the power of conscious, intentional touch comes in to bring you into your body and calm your fight and flight response to facilitate sexual arousal. It is amazing how much can be communicated through our touch. I usually start all of my sessions with a cuddle even heavy BDSM sessions as it’s a great way to instantly calm the nervous system responses down providing the person who I am with would like to receive the offer of a cuddle.
So why does this happen, well it comes down to the chemicals that our body releases at each different stage. When our bodies go in to increased flight and flight arousal and we start to contract, our bodies release two chemicals epinephrine and norepinephrine which inhibits sexual arousal. This means that the chemical that is needed for sexual arousal and pleasure including oxytocin and dopamine won’t be released. Even a small amount of fear and uncertainty will inhibit the release of oxytocin and dopamine and effect sexual arousal and pleasure capacity. It never fails to amaze me of the potent chemicals our body is capable of producing and is the reason why we can reach intense psychotropic states through arousal when certain chemical are activated DMT release through sexual and erotic sates is another area that fascinates me and I have spent time studying but that may be another blog. Back on track Kristina….
We need the oxytocin in order to feel a connection with our sexual partner, for some if there is no sexual attraction if we cannot connect with our sexual partner. This could be linked to the activated flight and flight response system in our bodies inhibiting the release of oxytocin. It is something as simple as you don’t feel psychologically safe and you cannot fully relax into the encounter for whatever reason that can trigger such a response. The key is being able to fully relax and fully be in the present moment.
The rest and digest part of the nervous system is responsible for full sexual arousal so when we are relax and feeling in or ease we are most likely to be able to become sexually aroused. There are times when the fight and flight response will come into aid arousal when we are playing with the edges and arousal includes elements of anxiety as a turn on for example. The key though is the level of the flight and fight response is not too high and just enough to allow sexual arousal.
To give an example of when anxiety is turn on. I will use outside sex and an example. Here we are having a sexual encounter and the risk of getting caught is adding to your arousal. Participating in sex in the woods for example usually involves a risk of getting caught and it is a turn on we may be seen, does anyone relate to this? For some this would be too much as it would activate their fight and flight response beyond sexual arousal levels for others it is the buzz of the thought of or maybe being caught which is the turn on. Everyone is different and it depends on how the levels of flight and flight and rest and digest present on your body.
Desire is one of the many things that releases oxytocin in the rest and digest side of the nervous system and when this happens there is swelling of the genitals, lubrication, sensitivity and ejaculation. This brings me coming back to a previous blog about trust this is why trust is so import as without trust there will be no connection, and thus no release of oxytocin in the body and without the oxytocin there is no arousal.
Coming back to being erect but not being able to ejaculate let’s look at the process it pretty simple concept. When a man is sexually stimulated, friction on the glans penis and other stimuli send signals through the nervous system that result in ejaculation. Oxytocin is one of the necessary chemicals that needs to be released to bring about ejaculation and assists in the process of subsiding from a state of sexual arousal and post orgasm refractory period.
So hopefully now you have an insight into how sexual arousal works in the body lets look at a challenge that I have seen that men have called delayed ejaculation. This is when a man can be erect but cannot ejaculate or it takes along time to ejaculate or in some cases there is no ejaculation. I just want to say delayed ejaculation in men is normal from time to time as sexual response changes throughout a mans lifetime and he may require more stimulation to ejaculate or need more time between ejaculations.
Delayed ejaculation only becomes a problem when it affects you all the time and is constant. Let’s look at what causes this, the big trigger is anxiety and unable to relax the more you get anxious and tense about not being able to reach ejaculation the worse it gets. Does this sound familiar to anyone? This is a double edged sword for some of going past the point of pleasure to a place where there has been too much stimulus that the body cannot cope can also cause no ejaculation. Hence the focus on increasing capacity for pleasure in my previous blog. The more you are in the mind the more you take away from the body. This then feeds back into the activation of the flight and fight response in the nervous system which will inhibit ejaculation. There also could be other psychological reasons such as early sexual trauma but this blog is not the place to go into that and what I offer as an escort does not cover that.
Physical causes could include, spinal cord injuries which will have a direct effect on the nervous system, diabetes, MS and pelvic nerve damage. If you have damage to the nerves in the pelvic region this will stop the messages flowing through the nervous system from brain to genitals and hence there may be no erection or of there is an erection there may be no ejaculation. Medication can also have an effect, SSRI’s , blood pressure medication, beta blockers, muscle relaxers and antipsychotic medication have the potential to cause either erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation.
This brings me on to how do I work to change this in myself if you have challenges around erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation. That in itself is a massive subject and is complex in its answer and another blog I could write but I feel this is going too deep for a blog on here. I am happy to talk it through with you and give you some ideas to work on if you feel that is for you. To give an insight the focus is centred around awareness of how the nervous system reacts in arousal and overcoming the psychological challenges if these are the root cause. If the cause is damaged nerves in the pelvic tissue and there is scar tissue, then working on the scar tissue to break it down to rebuild the fibres within the damaged area so the messages from brain to nervous system to genitals can flow more freely. The main thing that I always come back to and this will be no surprise to anyone who knows me and follows my blogs is the breath as it is through conscious breathing techniques that we are able to gain control of our nervous system and in doing so we gain control of how it responds. The breath is the most powerful tool I have found for switching the nervous system from flight and flight to rest and digest quickly and effectively along with body noticing and awareness.
To conclude the more you are aware of you own body and how your body responds the more in control you are and the more you are able to work with the challenges that you may face. I quite often get asked by potential visitors if I see people with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation and you are most welcome. Just because you are facing these challenges does not mean that you cannot enjoy sexual encounters and sexual pleasures especially when you are with someone who really understands. It is a sad fact that a lot of people miss out on sexual pleasure and connecting with another because of fear of performance. I just want to reach out and say that you are very welcome and I would be delighted to see you no matter what your sexual challenge is I do believe sexual pleasure, pleasure and connecting with others is a birth right and part of human evolutionary process.
Anyway I will sign off now with the invitation of any questions thoughts or inputs are most welcome and I hoe I have not gone too much into the sex geekery and you get something out of this blog.
Kisses Kristina J – Huddersfield Escort, Sensual Seductress and Erotic Explorer.